December 2004

Holiday Grief When You’ve Lost a Parent

Holidays can be especially upsetting for those who have recently lost a parent. Joyous faces are everywhere; people are bustling about buying gifts and going to parties; friends are absorbed with the happy chores that come with this time of year.

One of the most difficult challenges facing those who have lost a parent during the past year is coping with the merriment that surrounds the holidays. The loss of a parent has a great impact at any time but feelings of grief can be stronger now.

Many grief counselors say that problems can occur if friends and family ignore the
recent death of a parent. It is much healthier to respectfully acknowledge the death of a
beloved family member and then go ahead with family rituals. A loving parent would want
holiday celebrations to continue. You may want to have more subdued celebrations than
you would normally observe depending on where you are in the grief process. Maybe you
will want to send simpler holiday greeting cards. But you will feel better if you decorate
your home, give gifts to family and friends and surround yourself with the lights of this
special season.

Victor M. Parachin, a grief educator and minister, offers some suggestions to help
those who are grieving for a lost parent:

1. Create a memory book. Many find solace in documenting a parent’s life in a
scrap book. Include photographs, diplomas, newspaper clippings, awards,
accomplishments and other reminders of your parent’s life. Such a memory book can be
comforting to you, and of great interest to children in the family.

2. Memorialize your parent by donating the money you would have spent on gifts
for him or her to a homeless shelter or favorite charity. Volunteer your time at a local
charity that was supported by your parent.

3. Join a grief support group. Many find it extremely helpful to be with others who
have experienced a similar loss because they can truly emphasize. A grief support
group offers support and understanding and will help you to deal with the advice “to get
over it.” Your local funeral director may sponsor grief support groups or be able to refer
you to one in your area. Many Hospice organizations offer grief counseling at holiday time
as well as other times throughout the year.

Yes, losing a parent creates a dreadful void in your life no matter if you are young
or old. Pieces of your past are now silent. Your parent is not there to share in your future
joys. An important source of friendship, wisdom and counsel is gone.