July 2003

Transitions -- "When Widowhood Comes Early"

It is always devastating when one loses a beloved spouse but especially so when the death occurs at a young age.   Whether by accident, from illness or as a result of warfare, becoming widowed early in life presents special challenges to the bereaved.   Nearly 500,000 American men and women share the burden of being widowed young - before the age of 45.

Victor M. Parachin, a minister and National Funeral Directors Association grief educator, writes extensively on all aspects of grief.   Here are some of his thoughts about what can happen when widowhood comes early:

1. Feelings of shock and numbness are common.

2. The hardest time comes after the funeral.   A massive amount of support is generated in the first

    few days and weeks after a death.   The hardest time for young widows comes in the third and

    fourth months when concern expressed by family and friends has eased.   Young widows report

    that keeping busy by returning to work or volunteering more of their time is helpful during this period.

3. Having children can be a blessing.   Because they need love, nurture and attention, grieving

    mothers and fathers are naturally provided with ways to invest their energy and temporarily

    distract them from their own grief.   But children can complicate a young widow's grieving

    because he or she must help the children cope with the loss of the other parent at a time of

    emotional devastation.   Some hospice organizations offer a special program "Wave Riders"

    which provides unique support to help bereaved children.

4. Young widows have no peer group.   When a man or woman is 60, 70 or 80, he or she generally

    has friends who have lost a wife or husband.   Consequently, older men and women have

    opportunities to view how grief affects their friends and have time to think about how they would

    cope if they were widowed.   Younger widows however, do not have such peer groups and are less

    prepared emotionally and practically.

5. Support groups are vital.   Because there is a lack of peer support for younger widows in our culture,

    counselors strongly suggest that a young widow seek and join a grief support group as soon as

    possible.   Your neighborhood funeral director can be a valuable resource to suggest the names of

    local support groups or grief counselors.   The Website "www.widow.net" is an information and self-

    help resource for, and by, widows and widowers.   Topics covered include grief, bereavement,

    recovery, and other subjects helpful to people of all ages, religious backgrounds and sexual

    orientations who have suffered the death of a spouse or life partner.

6. Unique problems plague younger widows.   One issue is the daily challenge of single parenthood

    and raising children without a father or mother.   Women may experience added financial pressure

    because a major income source often disappears after the death of a husband.   Men must replace

    the parenting and household duties that had been provided by the wife.   Young parents may want to

    consider term life insurance policies for both to protect their families from financial disaster if either

    parent dies at a young age.

7. Keep it simple and keep it the same.   Maintaining familiar routines can be a source of comfort for

    the widow and children.

As for re-entering the social scene after the death of a spouse, I would like to add that it is important to do what feels best for your particular situation.   Some young widows choose to date again and remarry. Others have no interest in establishing a new family unit.   But whatever course is taken, remember to defer drastic changes in your lifestyle and seek out grief counselors for the advice and comfort needed at this difficult time.