April 2004

Grief after the Murder of a Loved One

It is estimated that more than 20,000 persons have been murdered in the United States every year for the past 10 years. Grief that results from the murder or violent death of a loved one is like no other. It is intense and overwhelming. The sudden and unexpected death of the loved one in such a brutal way can result in shock and disbelief. Murder is such an unnatural end to life.

For families and friends of homicide victims, the normal feelings of grief are compounded by rage and a desire to destroy the murderer of the loved one. Such emotions can lead to despair and guilt. Survivors may be further upset by having to cope with law enforcement officials, intrusive reporters and curious, insensitive neighbors and friends. Under these circumstances, it is difficult for survivors to grieve quietly and at their own pace. It can be helpful for the family to designate a spokesperson to help them interact with the media and others who are seeking information.

Funerals are comforting because they provide a ritual to help say goodbye and accept the condolences of relatives and friends. But a victim's funeral may be disrupted or delayed adding even more agony to the grief process. In this situation, the family funeral director can be invaluable in managing funeral arrangements, minimizing intrusions and providing support to the family. Of course, in certain circumstances, psychological or psychiatric counseling may be the most necessary and appropriate course of action. New York State 's Crime Victims Board offers counseling services and in some circumstances provides financial assistance to eligible survivors of a loved one who has been the victim of a violent crime.

For more information, please call 800-579-9541 or visit their Website at: www.cvb.state.ny.us which posts application forms and links to helpful organizations. Hospitals, district attorneys and police station staff are another source of information about the services of the Crime Victims Board. When a horrific event such as murder takes the life of a loved one, survivors should seek help immediately to work through the grief process. Most funeral directors offer grief counseling, or can refer survivors to community-based organizations such as Hospice and other groups that offer grief support services.

(Research information from the NYS Crime Victims Board, the National Association for Loss & Grief (South Australia) and "Living with Grief after Sudden Loss" published by the Hospice Foundation of America.)