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May 2000
Helping
Children to Deal with Grief
We sympathize when we see someone experiencing
grief caused by the death of a loved one, but there is something
especially poignant about a child who grieves over the loss of a
parent, grandparent, sibling, or even a beloved pet.
"When children experience the death of a
loved one they grieve, just as adults do. They may not be able to
verbalize their grief. They may repress their feelings or express
them through their behavior. But they are grieving, often very deeply",
explains Candice Van Roey, a pediatric bereavement specialist with
Hospice.
In many instances, adults want to help a child
in this situation but don't know how. According to Earl A. Grollman,
editor of "Bereaved Children and Teens": "Adults
may not feel comfortable dealing with children's sadness, especially
when grieving themselves. They don't know how to start the conversation,
they don't know what to say, and, especially, they are fearful of
saying the wrong things."
In "Helping Children Grieve", Theresa
Huntley includes some basic suggestions excerpted here that will
help adults who want to console a grieving child:
* Be aware of personal feelings. When we are in
touch with our own feelings (sadness, loss, regret), we will be
better able to help bereaved children deal with theirs.
* Recognize that each child's level of understanding
is different. Provide the children with information and responses
appropriate for their age level.
* Recognize that each child will grieve differently.
* Encourage questions.
* Encourage the expression of feelings. Let children
know that it is okay to show their emotions.
* Encourage participation in events following
the death. Tell the children about the events that will be taking
place (reviewal or wake, funeral, burial). Give the children permission
to choose the extent of their participation.
* Help a child to commemorate the life of the
deceased.
* Try to maintain a sense of normalcy. To restore
some semblance of security, try to follow the children's normal
routine as closely as possible.
* Use available resources. A number of resources
are available to help bereaved children through a healthy grieving
process.
Visit your local library to get copies of the
books cited above as well as others such as "Helping Children
Cope with the Loss of a Loved One" by William C. Kroen, Ph.D.
Ask your family funeral director for names of
local bereavement counsellors who can help you and your children.
New York State's largest hospice program, Community Hospice, sponsors
"Wave Riders", a unique program for grieving children
which helps them develop coping skills that will assist them throughout
their lives through art, music and supported discussion. For more
information on "Wave Riders" call 1-800-611-9710. Community
Hospice is located in the seven counties making up the Capital District
and most other communities offer similar programs for children.
Camp "Good Grief" is an outstanding
summer camp program which offers educational workshops and support
for young people ages 12 to 16 who have experienced the death of
a sibling, parent, grandparent or close friend. It runs from Monday,
August 7th through Friday, August 11 at the Star Lake Campus on
Star Lake, New York. For more information e-mail: info@campgoodgrief.com, visit:
www.campgoodgrief.com
or call: 518-891-1084 or 518-891-3613.
Children generally grieve in different ways than
adults. As family and caregivers we can recognize this and guide
them with love through a difficult time.
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